Archive | March, 2020

On Being Brave

25 Mar

I continue to improve from my recent relapse episode, with no new significant news. Since my last update, everything got flipped on its head for every one of us. If you will humor me, I would like to talk about what makes me brave when things go flipside.

I believe in angels. I believe that God has spiritual beings with powers beyond our imagining that he assigns to watch over me. I also believe that there is an enemy who hates me and wants to trip me up at each step.

The battleground: my mind.

My thoughts are in constant churning mode. What’s for dinner? Are we out of milk? Why did she say it that way? I really should give the dog a bath. I really should give myself a bath. I was a real jerk to that one kid in the second grade. I should look him up on facebook and see if he’s okay. I wonder if the MS is going to come back and everyone is going to think that God is just a big joke and I am fool to think I’d ever be healed. What if that was a healing and now I am just on to the next thing? Seriously, though, what is for dinner?

My trick to being brave is that I am not. I am painfully insecure, terrified of change, and no friend to danger. I am not brave. God is brave.

I memorize Scripture as a serious spiritual discipline. I am not devoted like you’d imagine a monk to be, but when I sit down to work on it I am every time reminded of the sacredness of God’s Holy Spirit inspired Word. Meditating on God’s Word through memorizing has been world changing for me.

I often trip, but my walk is steadied with the constant reminder of God’s character. God is good. God is sovereign. God knows what he is doing. God is always right. You don’t get that assurance anywhere else except in His Word.

I know you didn’t come here for a lecture, but, I happen to know you probably don’t have a lot going on. I just memorize Luke 12:22-34. Read it out loud so you can hear it, and then, try to memorize it. It’s good for all of us.

Dramatically Recovering

11 Mar

Shortly after my last post I came down with a bad cold. The fatigue from relapse doubled and I went back to bed for most days. It didn’t send me into a helpless depressing tailspin, but it did feel like, “What!? A cold? A bad cold? Haven’t I already suffered, LORD? Why do you test me like this? Or, is this not a test and just life? Is life a test? LORD? Are you there?” Also, there was a fainting couch. (Not really, but I want a fainting couch.)

It took took 2 weeks and I have recovered. While I was busy blowing my nose, sneezing, and coughing, my body was busy quietly recovering from relapse. Today is Wednesday, March 11 and I feel better than I have in few months. Still easily tired from activity, but pleased to report these improvements:

  1. I can wear my cute red slip on shoes. I wore them all day today with zero fears that they’d fly off my feet, with no constant effort to keep them on, and I was able to walk normally.
  2. I don’t need the cane anymore for balance at all. I don’t even really need it for fatigue, as long as I am able to sit down immediately when I need to. I will likely still bring it when I go to church or similar. It helps me and all those around me to be mindful that I am not 100%, no matter how great my hair looks.
  3. The numbness in my legs and feet is almost completely gone. It flares a little if I get tired, but, again, I try to immediately sit and rest.
  4. The pain from spasms has lessened a good deal and is easily managed with rest, stretching, and position changing.

Early this morning I was showing off my shoes to a good friend and I did a little sashaying dance. This is something I could not do 2 weeks ago and I was a little surprised, so I did it again. My legs felt springy and sure. I continued do little dances all day. As the work day closed, I attempted a little dance to show my shoes off to a new audience. My legs felt more jelly than springy and more cautious than sure. This reminded me that I am not done yet. But, really, so much better.

I see my neurologist March 31. I had an appointment on March 6, but had to cancel when the car I was in suddenly lost all coolant and had to be stopped on the side of a toll road on the way there. Also, I had a cold that day, so you know I was praying dramatically on that roadside. “Oh, LORD, a relapse, a cold bug, and now this!? How am I supposed to go on like this? I just can’t, LORD. I can not.” But then we had Chick-fil-A for lunch and I got a new wind in my sails. Hope all y’all are keeping on keeping on, too. I love you all. Totally mean it.

(LORD willing, I will be sharing the book of James for 11am chapel at ACU on March 18. It’s been a long time coming, ACU.)